Gina's Testimony

My plate is clean, there are still starving kids in China......and I struggle with my weight, NOW WHAT?

I really feel that God has put it on my heart to create a web site for women. It was called Beauty4Ashes (that site has slowly evolved into . . . After God's Own Heart). I didn't listen to the call from Him at first because I didn't feel 'equipped'. I made every excuse in the book: I didn't know enough scripture....I hadn't been a Christian long enough.....I wasn't walking by faith. That is what inspired me to start really seeking the Lord. I don't 'feel' any more equipped now from back then, but faith is not a feeling, so here I am. I have committed myself to learning God's word and seeking His face. So now, I just want to be available for whatever it is that He wants me to do.

The name of my first site was inspired by Isaiah 61:3 and Crystal Lewis's song Beauty For Ashes. I saw her in concert one night on her Beauty For Ashes Tour and this song really ministered to my heart. I thought, 'I want that! I want God to give me His beauty for the ashes that I have managed to make of my life!' I went home after the concert and read and re-read Isaiah 61:3 and prayed. Isaiah 61:3 became one of my new favorite verses that night, and I felt that the name was only fitting since it described the way a women may feel when she 'blows it'. You know, trading the ashes (our eating disorders, addictions, secret sins, you name it!) of your life for God's perfect beauty.

I never used to have a problem with weight, or so I thought. Looking back, I was a member of two clubs: The 'Clean Plate Club' and the 'There are starving kids in China club.' As I grew older, I was embarrassed to eat in front of people, so I would only pick at the food on my plate when I was with others, but I always ate later when I was alone. That usually encouraged me to eat even more since I was alone and usually starving by that time. As the years have gone by, I have yo-yo'd back and forth. Currently, I am overweight. In 1999 the Lord showed me that I have always been obsessive about my weight and he prodded me to do something about it. So, today I ask myself: My plate is clean, there are still starving kids in China......and I struggle with my weight, NOW WHAT?

I struggle with compulsive overeating, and starvation. I'm not anorexic, but I do have some anorexic tendencies. I do not like these labels because they are lies of this world. I believe my "anorexia" is not my disease.....it's my sin. I use these terms so you can understand where I'm coming from. Many years ago I "starved myself thin," but was never formally diagnosed as anorexic. I usually try not to diet because I tend to lean towards starving myself. Sometimes I feel like it's a no-win situation!

Eating disorders stem from many different situations. The reason for my eating disorder comes from a situation where I was belittled about how much food I ate. Yet I was told I had to clean my plate cause there were starving kids in China?? HUH? It didn't make any sense to me. Never-the-less, the damage was done, but that should not and does not give me an excuse to continue on in my sin of disobedience in my eating habits! As a Christian, I have a desire to be obedient to the Word of God. God's Word tells me that I can be an overcomer with Jesus Christ. I believe that with my whole heart, and I have a strong desire to be the women God intended for me to be.

Because of the comments about my eating, my thinking was skewed. When I got to college (before I was married) I started searching for acceptance and love. I KNEW my family loved me, but I was searching just the same. I started dating a lot in order to find what I was looking for. I finally found 'the man of my dreams'......the man who was going to 'save' me. I was too shy to approach him though. It took the entire semester for me to muster up the courage to ask him out. I had never asked a guy out before in my life, my values were too old fashioned, but I was convinced this was the man for me. I found an excuse and asked him to help me study for finals. Well, we went out, studied, began the process of getting to know each other a little better, and I was 'in love'! The next day we both went home for the summer.

All summer long I thought of him. I dreamed about him, called him, and wrote to him. He never responded. I was devastated. I thought it was because I wasn't good enough for him. You see, I felt he never responded to me because I wasn't picture perfect thin. I decided that I could change that. I started to starve myself and I changed my workouts to twice a day EVERY day! I'm 5'5" tall and I went from 155 lbs. to 120 pounds in 3 weeks! My mom was sooooo alarmed! She said that if I kept losing weight she was going to take me to the doctor. I started eating again when my mom confronted me, but I restricted myself to way below 500 calories. This was not really enough to survive but it was more than I had been eating before so I did survive. I really believe that since my mom raised such a huge concern over my eating that she saved me from the world of anorexia.

It was very hard to eat again. I was so afraid that everything I ate would make me fat again. I told myself it would be ok for me to eat only if I ate fat free foods and exercised after every meal. By this time I had started doing sit-ups, crunches, and leg lifts 2 or 3 times a day.

A few weeks after my mom's threat, I went to my second year of college which was about 6 hours away from home. I basically survived on Top Ramen noodles and wine coolers. (Yuck!) I was so malnourished and unhealthy as it was, and I was just going downhill with this diet. I dropped five more pounds the first 2 weeks back at college. This was also the time that I met my soon-to-be-husband, Andy.

After about a year, Andy and I decided to leave college and marry. That was the year I came to know Jesus as my Lord and Savior. That was also when my obsession got really intense, but I no longer had that control I once had to starve myself thin. The weight started to pile on. Even my sister-in-law's friend noticed, and I hardly ever saw her. My vicious cycle of binging and over-exercising (purging by exercise only, not vomiting) starving, and eating compulsively had begun and I was out of control.

In 1999, when the Lord finally showed me that all this was an obsession and that food was my god. I broke down and thought I was going to die. My heart ached so bad that I had let my God down and that He had to confront me with it was even worse. I was humiliated. I had been going through some serious medical trials with my husband and daughter that year, and this "revelation" was just the final straw that brought me to my knees.

I cried out to the Lord, 'Why do I have this problem? I'm perfect, I do things exactly the way they are supposed to be done. I follow the rules. I'm a good girl. I'm a Christian....I can't possibly have an eating disorder! How am I supposed to face my Christian family? Why can't this just go away? WHY ME!?'

To which I heard that still small voice respond back: 'Gina, be still, listen to Me. Nobody is perfect, not even those in your Christian family. Everybody has a mask that they wear. Don't be afraid to take off your mask because I am here with you. My grace is sufficient for you, MY STRENGTH is made perfect in YOUR weakness. Now, will you trust Me to take this burden from you? Will you give it all to me and NOT TAKE IT BACK this time?'

That is when I 'got real' with God. I gave Him my mask. Who was I kidding anyway? He could always see right through it. I didn't want to continue in the charade I was playing anymore. I wanted Jesus to set me free. And this is coming from me.....someone who has ALWAY stood so strong and firm in my faith. Someone who was always there when fellow Christians needed me. This was the weakest moment of my life.

So, here I am. Working on taking care of the body that the Lord has given to me. I'm not obsessing, but I am learning true obedience. When I stray off the path of obedience, I get back on as soon as I realize it by renewing my mind.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:1-2 KJV

You know, I have tried every diet imaginable. They don't work for me because I was trying to do these diets on my own strength. (Not to mention how bad most of those diets really are nutritionally.) So I'm giving it all up and gave it to the Lord, AND NOT TAKING IT BACK THIS TIME! His will be done. When I started doing that, the weight started to come off! Not tons of weight but it has been steady. He is faithful! Right now, I'm not 'dieting'. I have found a way of eating that works for me. It's a very low to no fat vegetarian diet. Some of the guidelines I follow are from Dr. McDougall. I also make sure that I drink plenty of water, and I make sure I do stretching exercises at least 4 times a week (I have adult onset asthma and can't exercise like I used to.)

This isn't going to go away overnight, but with Jesus on my side and my obedience to Him, I can't lose. He is My Deliverer! But everything depends upon that obedience to Him. You can have Jesus on your side too. Would you like to find out how? If so, PLEASE contact me!

Of course, if you need to Instant Message me (for any reason at all) via Yahoo Messenger, feel free to do so below. If I am online, I will be more than happy to chat with you.

Thanks so much for 'listening' to me. I pray that you are able to find the encouragement that you need. God bless you and keep you my dear sister in Christ!

In His love.....

Gina

P.S. Are you in need of hope? I started the Beauty4Ashes sitering (below) for those who are in need of hope. It is a brand new ring and I'm the only one listed so far, but keep checking back as I am actively recruiting people to share their testimonies with the world. It is my hope that, by linking many testimonies together, a ring of strength and hope would form to be there for anyone in need.

If you have a testimony you would like to share please consider sharing it and joining the Beauty4Ashes Sitering. Even if you do not have a website, you can still be a part of it as long as you can type out your testimony. All you have to do is contact me and we can arrange for you to email me your testimony. I will then set up your testimony on the web, **free of charge***, and add you to the ring. Please don't be shy if you have a testimony to share. Let God work in you and through you so you can provide hope to someone else who may be in your same situation.

Please note: If you use the link below to email me, be sure to pay attention to the email addy. You have have to change the [AT] to @ and the [DOT] to . I've just been getting so much horrible spam I don't know what else to do. I'm hopeful this will work. :)

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(Revised 10/20/02)